Dan Bern Dan's Christmas Song lyrics

Santa Claus said Eureka

I got the greatest idea

He called his elves in his office

Said it's time to branch out a little

This year we'll give presents

Not only to the Christians

We'll give 'em to the Muslims, to the Hindus and the Jews

I’ve pretty much decided that this is what we're gonna do

But I’d like to get some feedback

Hear what you guys think too

Eddie slowly got up,

For an elf he was pretty darn big

He looked at Santa, he started talking

He said,

Who you think you are, Jesus?

Who you think you are, Moses?

Do you think you're Elijah?

Or the prophet Mohammed?

I knew Joan of Arc,

You're no Joan of Arc.

You're as fat as the Buddha

But the resemblance stops there

You're no Mother Theresa

You're not even Bob Geldof

During Hands Across America,

You were nowhere to be seen

Let's get this straight, mister

You're an employee

You're a delivery boy,

Like a Domino's pizza guy

We're the ones who make the stuff

You just haul it around

We work all year long

You put in one damn day

So no more bright ideas

It ain't gonna happen

We've got our union

We'd never go for it

Not in a recession

When the rest of the industry

Is looking at cutbacks

Is facing retrenchment

In fact, we were thinking

Of taking the hard line,

Crossing Catholics off the list

Crossing off the Lutherans

Let the Episcopalians buy toys for their own kids

Forget the Mormons, they've got ten wives, they don't need toys

We can have a small party, a holiday get-together

Invite a couple Methodists, pour some Gallo burgundy

Christmas don't have to be a big deal

We can play a little Twister

[ Dan's Christmas Song lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Invite some Presbyterians

I tell you, people ain't even gonna notice

And Santa said,

Hold it!

What the hell is goin' on here?

I may not be Jesus

I may not even be Elvis

I didn't do schtick on Comic Relief

I didn't sing on We Are the World

But goddamit, I’m Santa Claus

I am still Santa Claus

And until I am notified

That there is some OTHER Santa Claus

We'll give toys to the Catholics

We'll give toys to the Lutherans

We'll give 'em to the Seventh Day Adventists

We'll give 'em to the Jehovah's Witnesses

We'll give 'em to the Mormons

We'll even give 'em to the Quakers

Okay, forget the Hindus,

Okay, forget the Jews,

I don't have their sizes

I don't even know what they like

Besides, they don't even believe in me!

That sorta yanks my chain a little.

Let them fight the holiday crowds

Let them go to Toys R Us

I don't know where Jesus gets off

With this golden rule bit

It's easy for him to say

He never had to haul around a big bag of junk

Don't get me started

I could tell you stuff you wouldn’t believe

You think Moses was a pretty good guy

You just go on and think that, okay?

Look, I’m Santa Claus

I know my place

I’ll be jolly when I’m in your sight

I’ll say Merry Christmas to All

And to All a Good Night

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

And to all a good night

And if you see Rudolph

I did not say won't you guide my sleigh tonight

I said won't you change the hay tonight!

The little booger took off with my sleigh

It was my best sleigh

And I haven't seen him since

Kindly tell him to get his butt back here

If he knows what's good for him